Friday, 3.15.02

I never expected my PTA friends to find me so quickly. I thought I'd left all that behind me in Carbondale, but apparently not.

Radditch isn't so bad once you get to know him, but his partner, Lulu, is a nightmare. While I was walking home from my Space Invaders tournament last night, they backed me into an alley and Lulu gave me the old How's Your Uncle right in the circuitboard."We've got your number, Gimlet," he snarled as he pulled his head out of my abdominal cavity. I had only barely caught my breath when Radditch tucked a shopping list into my palm.

I perused the first few items on the list: catfish nuggets, castor oil, soy milk. What kind of sicko did they take me for? I was being framed. And fucking Lulu still didn't know my name, which I suppose gave me the upper hand in some sort of cosmic sense. Unable to help myself, I flashed him a grin which only served to land me another whistle in the turkey dome.

"That's enough," coughed Radditch, plucking the paper from my hand. "Wrong list anyway." His face reddened a bit as he stuffed the thing into his shirt pocket and produced a large tape recorder from his backpack.

The playback wasn't too shabby, but it lacked detail. It was the kind of thing that could have been either solid proof of my species or a lo-fi rendition of Robert Frost taking a dump. At any rate, I wasn't too concerned. But that's when Lulu hauled out the big guns, grabbing me by the collar and putting his face right up next to mine. His nostrils flared, taking in my arid stench.

"I've never been this close to a viral homunculus before," he growled. "What kind of aftershave do you fuckers use anyway?" So it was no bluff: the bastard really did have my number. I squirmed out of his grasp and when he didn't try to yank me back, I took my chance and got the hell out of there.

So all this really goes to show is that you never, ever fuck with the PTA, especially not in Carbondale. Those motherfuckers will put a goddamn bounty on your head and hunt you down. You know how it is.