Tuesday, 3.19.02

Let me just explain why you and your loved ones should not fear the recent surge in the viral homunculus population.

We're just like you. No, really. Remember that ill-fated romp with Vick Cappello in the backseat of your mom's station wagon? When he promised it wouldn't hurt, but it did, so you got your older brother and his friends to beat the living shit out of him the next day? Well, it's just like that, only without the bloody underwear.

Perhaps you'd be less afraid if you knew a little more about what you're dealing with here:

VIRAL HOMUNCULUS FAQ

Q: What is a viral homunculus?

A: A viral homunculus is born when a hard drive gets overloaded with a particular series of crippling viruses which ultimately cause it to grow a nervous system and flesh while simultaneously losing all sense of logic, propriety, and divine purpose.

Q: What is the plural of 'viral homunculus'?

A: 'Viral homunculadies' and 'homuncumen'.

Q: Wouldn't it be 'homunculi'?

A: Whatever peels your banana, maestro.

Q: Speaking of which, what kinds of things does a viral homunculus eat?

A: Dirtytail or any other oil-based life form. If fermented properly in rubbing alcohol, leftover Dirtytail is a great beverage to enjoy at the end of a stressful day.

Q: What does a viral homunculus look like?

A: I can't speak for the rest of my species, but I look like a cross between Henry Fonda and V6 engine.

Q: How many viral homunculi are there in the world?

A: Though no exact figures are available at this time, I'd say that .97 is a pretty good estimate (I lost a few switches in the war).

Q: What war are your referring to?

A: Don't even get me fucking started.

So, that just about wraps up our time together. Now remember: eat your spinach, don't knock it till you've tried it, and for fuck's sake keep your grubby hands off the pillowcase! You know how it is.